20 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A CLIENT IN A LAW FIRM
20. Having a DUI can be very hard on your personal life. I am still on the 12 step program.
19. You shouldn’t worry too much about products liability. Besides, in 10 years most of your manufacturing will probably be outsourced to China.
18. Trying to understand these discovery documents is worse than the reading comprehension questions on the LSAT.
17. Most of our clients in white collar criminal defense did not go to jail; they just retired and moved to the Cayman Islands.
16. Oh, you mean that bar. I’m sorry, I thought you were referring to the new hotspot in West Hollywood.
15. This case will help me pay off a huge chunk of my student loans.
14. I would tell you the answer now, but I need to bill another 100 hours this month if I want to get my annual bonus.
13. You could have avoided this whole age discrimination lawsuit. You should have just bought some hair dye and gotten rid of that gray.
12. What don’t you understand about a retainer fee? Did you think that it was something you pay your dentist?
11. Not everyone in this profession is unethical, and I have a variety of friends. My best friends are Chiropractors and Mortgage brokers.
10. You will be billed in 15 minute increments for every text message you send me.
9. The last time I was in court, it was for traffic school.
8. I’ve never actually practiced patent law before, but there is a first time for everything. Intellectual property or real property, everyone owns property!
7. Neither you nor your spouse deserves custody of your child, but the kid has to stay with someone.
6. I just realized something: You graduated high school the same year I was born!
5. Please calm down, there is no reason to yell and scream. I understand your frustrations, anger and that you don’t like dealing with anyone else in the firm. However, I am a paralegal and I can’t represent you in court. If you want this matter resolved, you have to see the Judge with one of our attorneys. I’m sorry, but that’s just the reality of the situation.
4. As an immigration attorney, I am only fluent in two languages: English & spring break Spanish!
3. Sure, the documents are valid. I got an A in contracts when I was in law school.
2. As a bankruptcy attorney, I am a little concerned: If you can’t pay off your creditors, how do I know you won’t pay me?
1. This will be the hardest case of my career. It will be nearly impossible to prove the other party is at fault. Why would anyone try to sexually harass you?